FOLLOWING MY GUT TO FREEDOM
I recently opened Facebook and was reminded of a blog I posted 3 years ago called Caterpillars, Chrysalis and Transformation where I wrote about the summer of my great “undoing” and learning to “do” less and play more.
I can’t imagine a life without play now, but I still remember what it felt like to be the woman who spent her life “doing” ….working hard to earn the love and approval of everyone, especially her husband.
I thought working hard to be everything that my husband wanted and needed me to be equalled love; at least that’s what my head and programming said.
My soul knew it was bullshit!
I believe our soul is our essence; it’s who we were at birth, before we were told who to be. It’s that place deep inside that always knows what’s true and right for us.
I also believe our soul communicates with us thru our intuition (often called a gut feeling). Our intuition is the ultimate guide to being the women we were meant to be, before the world and those closest to us told us who to be (or programming).
Our intuition is like our Soul’s compass.
We can choose to follow our Soul compass or spend our lives led by fear and the programming that told us who to be.
I grew up thinking that I was suppose to get married and have children.
My job was to create a beautiful home and make sure my husband and children were successful and happy. People told me I was was good at my job as an amazing supportive wife to my very successful husband and a wonderful mom to my children.
If I was so good at my job, doing what I was suppose to do, why was I so unhappy?
I loved being a stay-at-home mom and caring for my children but I used the busyness of being a a wife and mom to push down my unhappiness and ignore my intuition…that gut feeling that kept nudging me and saying…you deserve better.
In my blog Caterpillars, Chrysalis and Transformation I write about creating a butterfly rescue and getting to witness the amazing process of the caterpillar’s instinctive “knowing” when it’s time to form it’s protective chrysalis so it can dissolve and emerge as a beautiful butterfly.
I also wrote about the deep “knowing” that comes from our soul and tells us that it’s time to transform. What I didn’t share is that, for women like myself who’ve learned to ignore their intuition, the transformation usually has to be triggered by something outside their control.
Something needs to shakes things up that makes it impossible to ignore their “knowing”.
Becoming an empty nester was part of my transformation, but it was actually triggered 4 years earlier when my husband said the words “I’m divorcing you.”
Those words shattered me, but they also turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me.
Without the pressure of earning my husband’s love, I began to hear the whispers of my soul and I began to put myself back together with the guidance of my intuition instead of my old programming that told me who to be.
I was beginning to follow my Soul’s compass for the first time in my life.
Following our intuition isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always guide us on what feels like a linear path. I was guided to do some scary things that I never would’ve imagined doing and, even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, every single step along the way was the right step for me.
One of those steps was saying yes when my husband asked to try and reconcile our marriage, even though my intuition was saying NO.
So many times I’ve asked myself…”What if I’d listened to my intuition and not agreed to reconcile? Why did it take me so long to to finally trust what my intuition was telling me about my marriage?”
I can hear my soul whisper…”It was your path”.
I had to learn what it felt like to hear, trust and follow my intuition (my gut) despite the fear I felt in a marriage where being fully me, speaking my truth and asking for what I needed was incredibly scary.
I had to learn what it felt like to heal the parts of me that got me into my marriage and the shame from staying in it for so long.
I had to learn what it felt like to decide that I wasn’t going to stay small and quiet any longer and how terrifying is was to tell my husband I was leaving our marriage.
I was meant to take every step along this path so I can help other women just like myself…women who’re ignoring their intuition in order to stay in an unhappy life and marriage where they feel small and without a voice.
I’ve been there…in addition to the deep unhappiness, I know the fear, hopelessness and shame that comes from living that life. I know how f’ing scary it is to decide you deserve better and ask for help.
I also know that taking that step can lead to an amazing life where you feel free and safe to be you… and play every day.
